Editorials

This month's topics:

Things I Hate
State of the Porn Address
126 Ways to Describe Taking A Shit

Things I Hate by Piston Rod

My life - No sex, a terrible job, and bills up to your ass will do that.
AOL - A horrible addiction. The Internet sucks your life away, but I can't seem to stop.
Cigarettes- Don't you think it's about time people wised up and stopped smoking these smelly, addictive, killers? Smokers, wake up and realize that you don't have control over your own body anymore. You can't even make the choice to sit for a few hours and watch a movie without smoking. It's very sad. But fuck all that, I hate them because they smell like shit, and so do the people that smoke them.
Bars/Clubs - Why do people go? Do you guys really think you are going to get laid? Yeah, perhaps if you are good looking, but then you can get laid going to the supermarket. Girls, do you think that you will find a nice guy there? Probably not. If nice guys are there they are usually sitting in the corner, too shy to approach you. The guys that do hit on you are probably players that only care about how many girls they can fuck before they die [hopefully soon].
Alternative music - Boy, you can really spot an asshole when he/she is wearing a Bush, 311, or Greenday T-shirt. Talk about a waste of fucking instruments. Can you believe that it's the poser pussies that were into metal in the 80's are mostly responsible for the sales of this shit. Their excuse? "Hey, it was the only shit out there." To quote Manowar "Heavy Metal or no metal at all!" Well, extend that to say, "Heavy Metal or no music at all!" It's you pussies that abandoned Metal when it needed you most that are really to blame (Metallica).
The guy who canceled The Tick - Fuck you, die!
MTV - This goes right along with #5, but another reason they deserve to die is because they won't put Insane Clown Posse's videos on. ICP are fucking wonderful, but MTV has a bug up their ass about them. Well, fuck you, ICP can't be stopped.
People - People fuck up everything they touch. People are responsible for traffic, pollution, and stupid trends (like baggy pants). Every idea any asshole has should have to go through me, then I will decide what's worthy of mass consumption. Enough of this freewill crap, nigga said "Free Willy!!!"
Organized religion - When the fuck did we decide that assholes that don't get laid know what is best for society? If the Pope knew anything, he'd change the rules so that he can have whores come into the Vatican three at a time, then I'd respect him.
Anyone who is reading this - You fucking pervert! Does your mother know you read this crap? Go study or something!

The State of the Porno Address by Johnny Denim
I have been watching adult films since I was 12 years old back in 1987. The first I ever saw was Debbie Does Dallas. After that my fate was sealed. I saw everything my dad had on tape and he had the classics! Johnny Wadd, Candy Stripers, Taboo, Talk Dirty To Me... just to name a few. This was back in the days when they were still trying to make a legitamate buisness out of porn without losing sight of what porn was all about! Let's gear shift into the '80s shall we? The video revolution fucked the industry so bad it has yet to recover. The talented writers and directors as well as the professional performers were fazed out in favor of ametures. I always hated this because nobody cared about quality anymore. I always respected Ron Jeremy and guys like him who basically kept the industry alive in this dark period in porn history. Now let's fast forward into the 90's when the industry had to pick up the pieces from the Traci Lords scandal. During this time the industry found it's first true superstar since John C Holmes: SAVANNAH. Savannah was a lovely bitch-faced blonde beauty that, when she wanted to be, was a good cock sucker. She was the first megababe to really make shitloads of money for Vivid, who is the giant of the industry today. At this point the industry wasn't where it should have been but was at least it was better than the 80's. When Savannah died it seemed to be a wake up call for the industry because it finally started to clean up its act. Then along came JENNA. She was Savannah times 50 and more. She broke the door wide open and finally the industry was swamped with hot babes who loved to fuck. With this came more money for the stars and the quality of films began to improve. Directors like Micheal Zen and Jim Enright really began to make their mark where Andrew Blake and Bob Chinn did a generation earlier. However in the last year and a half a ho hum attitude has prevailed when the likes of Brad Armstrong finally broke through with Conquest. It was with this film that the "Event Movie" that has plagued Hollywood started to hit the porn world and Wicked Pictures was right at the head of it. One after another has hit our video stores and because the directors have had no vision, (like Armstrong and Steele) just money to burn they have had immediately good sales and tapered off like Conquest did. As much as AVN and Adam Film World praised them they showed their disaproval of them come awards night by stiffing them every time. This hasn't stopped the Event trend with Flashpoint and Mata Hari being even bigger blockbusters then the last ones. Also with Wicked Pictures signing Brad Armstrong to an exclusive deal with the company expect the trend to continue for now (Wow, fucking the superstar off camera will take you a really long way won't it?)
It seems that we have almost come full circle in the industry. We still have something missing. The 70's had good directors, good writers and kick-ass soundtracks. What was missing was the good looking people and good actors to really make the golden age perfect. Today we have the good looking women and good, (for porn standards anyway,) acting but we are short on good directors and writers. Sure the Micheal Zens and Greg Darks of the world are as good as there ever was but they aren't the norm in the industry. This is a shame because as a huge Jenna Jameson fan it discourages me to see that she will continue to be in mediocre movies (she may have divorced Brad but I don't think she's smartened up just yet). Oh well, at least the sex is more exciting to look at, and isn't that the bottom line? We should be optimistic about the industry because it is more acceptable now than ever before and we might yet see that perfect mix of wild sex and cool stories!

126 ways to describe taking a shit by Al Kikuras (and various contributors)

Send the brown boat afloat
Move some surplus goods
Crap
Go to war
Make stinkies
Liquidate some assets
Negotiate a deal
Ride the brown pony
Pollute the ocean
Pottie
Launch a sea pickle
Squeeze the cheese
Take a dump
Pinch a loaf
Lay some cable
Deliver a package
Bomb Tokyo
Have a BM
Take a shit
Go #2
Squeeze a load
Unload a passenger
Drop the bomb
Go poo
Make
Mix up a batch
Lose a pound
Pass a brick
Return it to the cycle
Chop a log
Recycle
Abandon ship
Tickle a turd
Take a cake out of the oven
Put the check in the mail
Let nature take its course
Release the dam
Make my mark on the world
Make a splash
Ride the dragon
Fire up the BBQ
Bring in the tide
Keep the homefires burning
Feed the fire
Chuck wood
Send out the troops
Drop the kids off at the pool
Polish the porcelain
Shave a peach
Turn back the clock
Bring in the new year
Float a biscuit
Make Gravy
Lose my religion
Push the bus
Play the pipes
Place a bet
Let the good times roll
Paint the town brown
21 Gun Salute
Deliver the Christmas bonus
Fire the cannon
Tell a tale
Park the car
Big bang theory
Corrale the tadpoles
Come on ice cream!
Fertilize the garden
Leave the pack behind
Sink the Bizmark
Play a song
Rock the boat
SOUP'S ON!!
Toss a stone
Pick some dasies
Christen the ship
"Throw your weight around"
Send the brown boat on its maiden voyage
Turn the crank
Unleash the brown shark
Go to town
Bury the dead
Take out the garbage
Kick the donkey
Plead the 5th
Beat the clock
Break the bank
Run for the border
Defrag the hard drive
Talk to God
Clean the pipes
Go and tell it on the mountain
Offer the porcelain god gifts of inner humbleness
Blow dirt
Ass vomit
Send a friend to the coast
Solid fart
Download
Run through the woods
Take some books back to the library
Barbecue some burgers
Shovel the brown snow
Clear the cache
Can't Touch This
Format the disk
Plow the soil
The night the moon shone brown
Reap the harvest
Put the icing on the cake
Intestinal yoga
Give a little love back to God
Make a peanut butter sandwich
Grow a tail
Transfer some files
Send a message in a bottle to Atlantis
Drop everything I'm doing right now
Push the limit
See a man about a brown bear
Take off my brown belt
Take one for the team
Do my part
Go watch the news
Solve an equation
Pull a rabbit out of my hat
Crack the whip
Pool some stool

Contact Al Kikuras if you have one that is not on the list.