Editorials

This month's topics:

  1. Shitting Your Pants - The Lost Art
  2. 126 Ways to Describe Taking A Shit
  3. Kids Crying in Public - 4 Practical Solutions

Shitting Your Pants - The Lost Art by Al Kikuras

Shitting your pants is a lost art. Most people find the idea of a soft, wet pile of shit in their pants to be a repulsive one, but they fail to see the many benefits that soiling yourself carries with it.

  • Practical: Shitting your pants will immediately clear a 15' radius around you. No more waiting in lines! One good squirt in the pants and watch the line dizzolve!
  • Audial: A satisfying "squelch" is sounded when you drop a really wet, vicious dump in your drawers.
  • Fashion: What better way to say "I'm different" then to shit your pants in a crowded place? You think piercings are cool?? Be a REAL rebel!! Stick it to the MAN (and your drawers)!!
  • Olifactory: You think Obsession has a distinctive smell? People WILL notice when you walk in a room!!
  • Sexual: Ever heard of "coprophilia?" Defined as "a sexual paraphilia in which a person obtains sexual arousal from contact with feces," coprophilia is a common sexual fetish. Closet coprophiliacs include such popular public figures as Tim Allen, Kirstie Alley and Martha Stewart. And let's not forget "coprophagia," where the individual gets off from EATING turds!! How would you like to have Pope John Paul II lick your draws clean??


"Bring me your turds!!"

  • Convenience: No more running for the bathroom!! No more stinking up the house!! Stink up other people's houses!! Stink up the train station, or the train!
  • Personal Safety: Shitting your pants is a great way to stay out of a fight! If someone asks you to "step outside," just smile, wince and let go of the flow!! GUARANTEED they won't want to lay a hand on you after that!!

126 ways to describe taking a shit by Al Kikuras (and various contributors)

  1. Send the brown boat afloat
  2. Move some surplus goods
  3. Crap
  4. Go to war
  5. Make stinkies
  6. Liquidate some assets
  7. Negotiate a deal
  8. Ride the brown pony
  9. Pollute the ocean
  10. Pottie
  11. Launch a sea pickle
  12. Squeeze the cheese
  13. Take a dump
  14. Pinch a loaf
  15. Lay some cable
  16. Deliver a package
  17. Bomb Tokyo
  18. Have a BM
  19. Take a shit
  20. Go #2
  21. Squeeze a load
  22. Unload a passenger
  23. Drop the bomb
  24. Go poo
  25. Make
  26. Mix up a batch
  27. Lose a pound
  28. Pass a brick
  29. Return it to the cycle
  30. Chop a log
  31. Recycle
  32. Abandon ship
  33. Tickle a turd
  34. Take a cake out of the oven
  35. Put the check in the mail
  36. Let nature take its course
  37. Release the dam
  38. Make my mark on the world
  39. Make a splash
  40. Ride the dragon
  41. Fire up the BBQ
  42. Bring in the tide
  43. Keep the homefires burning
  44. Feed the fire
  45. Chuck wood
  46. Send out the troops
  47. Drop the kids off at the pool
  48. Polish the porcelain
  49. Shave a peach
  50. Turn back the clock
  51. Bring in the new year
  52. Float a biscuit
  53. Make Gravy
  54. Lose my religion
  55. Push the bus
  56. Play the pipes
  57. Place a bet
  58. Let the good times roll
  59. Paint the town brown
  60. 21 Gun Salute
  61. Deliver the Christmas bonus
  62. Fire the cannon
  63. Tell a tale
  64. Park the car
  65. Big bang theory
  66. Corrale the tadpoles
  67. Come on ice cream!
  68. Fertilize the garden
  69. Leave the pack behind
  70. Sink the Bizmark
  71. Play a song
  72. Rock the boat
  73. SOUP'S ON!!
  74. Toss a stone
  75. Pick some dasies
  76. Christen the ship
  77. "Throw your weight around"
  78. Send the brown boat on its maiden voyage
  79. Turn the crank
  80. Unleash the brown shark
  81. Go to town
  82. Bury the dead
  83. Take out the garbage
  84. Kick the donkey
  85. Plead the 5th
  86. Beat the clock
  87. Break the bank
  88. Run for the border
  89. Defrag the hard drive
  90. Talk to God
  91. Clean the pipes
  92. Go and tell it on the mountain
  93. Offer the porcelain god gifts of inner humbleness
  94. Blow dirt
  95. Ass vomit
  96. Send a friend to the coast
  97. Solid fart
  98. Download
  99. Run through the woods
  100. Take some books back to the library
  101. Barbecue some burgers
  102. Shovel the brown snow
  103. Clear the cache
  104. Can't Touch This
  105. Format the disk
  106. Plow the soil
  107. The night the moon shone brown
  108. Reap the harvest
  109. Put the icing on the cake
  110. Intestinal yoga
  111. Give a little love back to God
  112. Make a peanut butter sandwich
  113. Grow a tail
  114. Transfer some files
  115. Send a message in a bottle to Atlantis
  116. Drop everything I'm doing right now
  117. Push the limit
  118. See a man about a brown bear
  119. Take off my brown belt
  120. Take one for the team
  121. Do my part
  122. Go watch the news
  123. Solve an equation
  124. Pull a rabbit out of my hat
  125. Crack the whip
  126. Pool some stool

Contact Al Kikuras if you have one that is not on the list.

Kids Crying in Public - 4 Practical Solutions by Piston Rod

What the fuck is it with these parents, mostly mothers, that allow their fucking kids to cry nonstop in public? Whether it's in a supermarket, a restaurant, a movie theater, or anyplace else, they don't fucking do anything the remedy the situation. What, because your stupid kid is upset, the rest of us have to suffer? Listen, I don't care about the reason the little brat is yelling at the top of his lungs, I don't fucking care!! All I care about is when the fuck are you going to do something about it.

Here are a few solutions that I think we can use to make our lives a little better:

  1. When a child starts crying, everyone in the place that it is happening should yell all at once, "Take it outside." This will let the parent know that they do not have a choice. We will not sacrifice our happiness to listen to your fucking turd whine.
  2. If the parent doesn't take the child away, then it should be legal to kill the parent and use the child as a hacky-sac. That'll teach 'em.
  3. If number two is too strong for your liking, then how about this little idea: retractable-reattachable umbilical cords. When the child is crying, one tug on the umbilical cord will send that little bastard back where it came from and shut it the fuck up. The umbilical cord will also provide it with nourishment while it is back in the womb.
  4. This suggestion is for when all else fails: Take another child hostage and stab it and tear at its skin and tell the mother of the crying child that if she doesn't make her child shut up that you will continue to torture this innocent child. It will be all her fault that this innocent child is suffering. It will also show the crying child what a real reason to cry is. This is a total extreme, but some parents will never learn.