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Unchain the Underground is proud to present:

Porn that Sucks!

Title: Up and Cummers 69
Studio: New Machine Reviewer: Endorphin
Category: Gonzo Straight

Overall:   1.5

Female looks:     3

Male looks:   1.5

Sex:     2.5

Plot/Acting: N/A

Extras:   1.5

A/V Quality:   1

What it's worth: $4.00

Porn That Sucks!

Ratings description:
N/A - Not Applicable.
Zero - Avoid at all costs
.5 -  Unacceptable
1  -  Seriously Lacking
1.5 -  Lacking
2  -  Below Average
2.5 -  Average
3  -  Above Average
3.5 -  Good
4  -  Very Good
4.5 -  Exceptional
5  -  Best


Starring: Diamond, Jade Marcela, Isis Delight, Shelbee Myne, Kitty K, Randy West, Damien Michaels, Peter Romero

Pros: Diamond's moves, Kitty's amazing morphing look, Isis's body wave.Cons: Shelby is not naked, Jade licks Randy's asshole (My eyes! My eyes! Somebody save me), cum shots on feet, at chapter stops during Kitty's scene the DVD inexplicably jumps back to the chapter menu, poor audio/video, Randy "the 80's pimp" West, Kitty's big tattoo.

Porn That Sucks!

Writing this review seems redundant. I feel that once I have seen one Up and Cummers I have seen the disappointments of them all. Sure there are some good looking girls. Sure there is some good sex. But all of that is obscured by two things. First, despite being in the porn industry since porn began Randy still can't afford a decent camera. Second, Randy insist on being part of the action. In other words the viewer feels that they have stumbled across someone's home movies.

Breakdown:

Diamond has the stripper moves. She can be very slow and rhythmic and she can also give a hard pounding. Unfortunately, she does it with Randy and some other dude. Then she spend a few moments licking her toes (boring). Later she takes a cum shot rom Damien then Randy jerks of onto her feet.


Please hammer, don’t hurt ‘em.

Jade, an Indonesian chick, licks Randy's asshole (at least it can't get worse), then they have sex. He cums inside of her then later cums on her feet.

Shelby pleasures Isis. Isis has an orgasm that cause her body to do a violent wave.

Kitty does Peter. I liked Kitty best. She had this amazing ability to give you a different opinion of her depending on how her hair was at the moment. At first she looked a bit average, but then all of the sudden she would look incredibly hot. Unfortunately this scene kept getting interrupted because at the chapter stops I would be bounced back to the main menu.

Shelf Life: Going, going...gone.

Bottom Line: There should have been a big warning saying: Shelby does not appear naked in this DVD. Actually there should have been other warnings like: Only we can put girls like Diamond and Kitty in a DVD and leave you utterly disappointed or This DVD will make you think that anybody can be a porn director.

###

Buy it if you’ve got money to burn and if you’ve got money to burn, shoot yourself!
 

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