Piston Rod's
TOXIC BRAIN WASTE!

"Who I am. What I think. Who I think about."
by
Piston Rod

Contents:

• Piston's Porn-Related Rantings
• Cerebral Vomit - random thoughts
• Toxic Brain Waste - the original poem

I know that Wicked's sales have been slipping the last few months, basically since Jenna Jameson has been on hiatus. I must say that with the departure of our fine Miss Jameson, Wicked's product quality has risen. I am NOT a fan of Jenna, as a matter of fact I find her to be extremely lame. You people out there however don't agree with me and have made her the most popular porn actress of the last decade. Well, fuck you. You guys are the same people that made Greenday, Smashing Pumpkins, and Hootie And The Blowfish popular. So you guys have lost all credibility with me. I am not writing for you people, I am writing for to the hard-core porn fan; the kind of porn fan that knows the difference between a beautiful girl and a great fuck: a beautiful girl can be a great fuck and a great fuck can be beautiful, but they ARE NOT the same thing. Jenna Jameson is a beautiful girl (in that "blown-up plastic love doll" sort of way), but she is NOT a great lay. Would I like to fuck her? YES! Would I fuck her good? YES! Would I talk about it forever? YES! But, that's because I'm just a horny guy living in his aunt's house (and soon to be moving to the city with the highest crime rate in all of Rockland County, New York), and I can't get the neighbor's cat to look at me, let alone a beautiful girl. That's why I turn to porn: to fill my fantasies, and my fantasies have higher standards than I do. My fantasies have a few requirement:

1) Natural Tits! This is a big one. I'm sick of "tits I could hang my overcoat on." - (Beautiful Girls) I'm sick of fake girls. I don't care if tits are small, oddly shaped, or huge. The natural imperfections of natural tits make them much more attractive in my eyes. There are exceptions however (girls with fake tits that I don't mind, but still would prefer au'natural): Asia Carrera, Ashlyn Gere, Jenna Fine, and a few others I can't think of right now. But the general rule for me is REAL IS THE DEAL!!!

One of our staff writers, Big Tittie Car Wash, recently dated a girl with big fake tits. Of the people I know, he is without a doubt "the tit man". He was real disappointed to feel something so weird that looked so good. Eventually during fucking he didn't even go near her tits at all, because it's like sucking on a kickball: how can someone get turned on sucking on a kickball? Think about it this way, what would a woman think of a guy that got a big fake dick? They'd probably just point and laugh. Yet, because most normal guys never get their hands on fake tits, they seem to think they are great. They are NOT.

2) Non-smoker. OK, a lot of porn girls that I like smoke. I can except that. I just don't need to see them smoking on the screen. A girl committing suicide doesn't give me a hard-on, and to me that's what I see whenever I see a girl (or guy) smoking: slow suicide. Why don't you just put a gun to your head and pull the fucking trigger? It would be a lot faster and then we wouldn't have to smell you people. You idiots are still stuck in "high school" mode trying to look cool, "Please accept me, please be my friend, please think I'm cool."

3) A sexual dynamo. I need a girl that loves to fuck, with no pretense to it. Chloe comes to mind right away. This is a girl that doesn't give a shit about winning awards or being considered a great actress, and because of this fact she is winning awards and is a pretty good actress. Got it? She just wants to fuck. She wants a "big beautiful cock" insider her (she also wants a big fist inside her, but that's another story). I hate a girl that primps and poses during sexŠhey Jenna and Serenity, I'm talking to you!!

4) A GREAT ass! I am an ass-man, no doubt about it. I need my fantasy girl to have a tight rear. Not too small, she has to have an ass, but it's got to be tightŠno cottage cheese. Asia Carrera has a great ass, so does Shane Tyler. Let's hear it for the ass! What a great thing!

Ginger Lynn: Goddess.

5) She's got to give great head. Most woman nowadays just go through the motions. I usually fast forward through the blowjob parts of movies. They just arenıt worth my time, and I love blowjobs. When a porn whore gives a great blowjob, it really is something special. Who gives the best head? Well, I'm glad you asked. Here is my top 5 list:

1. Amber Lynn (976-Amber)
2. Jeanna Fine (Malibu Spice)
3. Ginger Lynn (Ten Little Maidens)
4. Shane (Shane's World)
5. Shane Tyler (Up N' Cummers)

So as for Wicked Pictures, I must say that I am pleased with their recent releases. Getting the great European director Marcel Dorcel was a great feat of marketing, and gets my thumbs-up. Serenity has been showing a lot more passion in her last few pictures, but she still isn't where she should be. Missy's new tits are nice (another girl who's fake tits are acceptable), but you need to really set her free, enough of these "shy girl" roles. Let her run wild the way Serenity did in The Other Side Of Serenity. Stephanie Swift has her share of very loyal fansŠI am not one of them. I liked her in the beginning of her career, but now I feel like I've seen everything she has to offer. She is just repeating herself. She needs to find the fire that burned in her when she just started. Now she is just an old pro. Beautiful and boring. There is a reason that one of her earlier pictures Beautiful Evil is still a top selling video, that because she was HOT in it. She needs to get HOT again.

Cerebral Vomit

Is "Weird Al" Yankovic still "Weird Al" without his glasses and mustache?

Is Will Smith still "The Fresh Prince", or has Big Willy Style taken him over completely?

Is there any hope in the world when they take shows like The Tick and The Pirates Of Darkwater off the air, but continue to show that horrible King Of The Hill and Dilbert shows (and give them awards)?

Does Britney Spears actually have any singing talent? Does anybody care?

Why hasn't someone created a show with both Gary Coleman and Webster as the stars yet?

What show was Picture Pages on?

Fuck anyone that doesn't like The Cannonball Run!

How many people know that the World Trade Center and The Twin Towers are the same place?

When Bill Gates gets a raise, does it really matter?

JarJar Binks ruined Episode 1, Leonardo De Caprio is going to ruin Episode 2, what's left to fuck up in Episode 3? Here is a good idea: Big Bird is cast as Chewbacca's father.

Shouldn't movie sequels be like musical albums or TV seasons? This is, that the second installment should be better than the first: deeper characters, greater script development, more evolved ideas, etc. But they aren't. They are usually cheep copies at best. The only exception I can think of is Grumpier Old Men, much better than Grumpy Old Men.

Why hasn't this country embraced Frank Zappa yet?

Why is it that when an artist dies young they are remembered forever as a legend, but if they live for a while and die when they aren't on top of the world they get forgotten almost immediately. For example James Dean is a legend, while most young adults don't even know who Steve McQueen is.

Toxic Brain Waste (the original poem)

Brain fart
Retart
Drive yourself to the mini-mart

Hand job
Big Slob
Borrow money from the Chicago mob

Killer clowns
Come to town
Even their shit is brown

Pre-menstruation
Masturbation
This is no inclination

Fuck, suck
Even cluck
Sell the car and buy a truck

Drive a stick
Suck a dick
Then spit out pretty quick

- Piston Rod (NAW)