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Never let it be said that I don't go the whole nine yards to give you, the discerning porn connoissier, the very best in adult DVD reviews. I work hard at giving you the most thorough,
accurate and humorous reviews that I can. Sometimes, I have to make sacrifices in order to give you the best review in exchange for the time it takes to read them. In the case of today's DVD, the Texas Dildo
Masquerade, I went out and rented the movie that inspired this tale of lost teenagers in a wilderness of terror. Yes, I actually watched the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in order to catch any reference that the director
may throw at you. I suspect that the director is a fan of the original horror movie and he wanted to show, in his own way, that he enjoyed the cult classic and pay homage to the archetype of the slasher films.
He failed.
The Plot: Okay, check this out. Four impressionable "youths" are driving through the countryside to check on the gravesite of one of their number's grandfather.
(Note to porn directors, everywhere: Ron Jeremy is not a "youth.") Apparently, someone has been defacing graves with blow-up dolls and dildos, and she is worried
that someone may have been messing with the resting place of her ancestors. We catch up with the "youths" as they drive through the countryside in the Mystery
Machine (well, it's actually just a van, but I keep expecting Shaggy to hop out on a drug-induced munchie hunt). Amazing countryside, they pass the same spot on the road four times! Anyhow, for some odd reason,
they head "back home" to the town whose only industry is the dildo factory. Naturally, being young and stupid, they pick up a hitchhiker with what is supposed to be a
birthmark, but it looks like his face is being sexually abused by a grape flavored fruit roll-up. One of the ladies proceeds to fuck him in the van (while her fiancé
watches and her friend's brother helps) and then dump him on the side of the road. Okaaaaay.
Well, they get back to the family farm which is in a terrible state of repair. This is matched by the state of
their van which decides to run out of gas. Two of their number wander off to go swimming in the trampoline (don't ask...) and end up wandering through a creepy- looking house in search of some gas for the van. They
get split up and attacked by "Pussyface". Our big manly stud gets bonked on the head with a dildo, and she gets molested with the powerful Chainsaw Dildo. Okaaaaay.
Naturally, their friends wonder what happened to them and one of the intrepid, brave, and downright stupid members of the group wanders into the house looking for them. He finds his missing friend and the two of
them screw some feral girl they find in the freezer. Pussyface then reappears and cold-cocks both of them with a two and a half foot long dildo. Okaaaaay.
Our heroine is arguing with her wheelchair-bound
brother over what to do about their poor situation. She takes her brother off into the dark and scary woods where they get attacked by the chainsaw dildo wielding
Pussyface. Her brother gets sodomized to death by the chainsaw dildo, and she runs screaming through the dark woods to the gas station to enlist the help of the
local redneck nitwit. He runs off to get his truck to take her to safety, and she waits patiently for him by playing with one of his dildos. (note to self: stay away from
women who sob with fear while rubbing plastic male substitutes across their breasts. It indicates emotional problems). Naturally, she's not quite done when he returns, so he lends a helping hand (and tongue and
dick). This really sets the stage for what has to be the funniest line I've heard in a porn movie to date:
"My wife, bless her heart... why I seen her fuck ten dildos and then shit out a traffic cone. It was the strangest thing."
Alas, all these country folk are in cahoots with each other. The nice guy at the service station takes her back to the decrepit house where Pussyface and the hitchhiker are waiting. She escapes and finds an old
couple passed out in a little-used section of the house. Apparently this section of the house is multi-purpose, because they keep old passed out people in the same
place as the chickens, blowup dolls and random dildos. While attempting to wake the man, he starts nibbling on her breast and for some odd reason she wakes them both up and let's them screw each other like rabbits
while she jerks off in a corner, staring at one of the chickens. Okaaaaaay.
Our heroine then wakes up at the dinner table with the gas station dude, the hitchhiker, Pussyface and grandpa
from the previous scene, who is supposed to be green and rotting. For some weird reason, she now decides that she must scream every sentence, and that the dildos that are hung from the walls have made her
insatiably horny. For some weirder reason, they decide that Grandpa gets to do the honors and they put a dildo in the hand of the dude with the green face and try to
get him to screw her with a random dildo laying about. Okaaaaaaay.
She escapes to the outside world, whereupon she is beset by four women with strap-on dildos. She is
trapped, and they all start poking and prodding and licking and sucking and hanging from the trees to give blowjobs. Did I mention that the gas station dude, Pussyface, the hitchhiker and grandpa all show up to
help fill in holes? Our heroine has a mind-shattering orgasm and then runs away from the orgy, chased by Pussyface and the hitchhiker with the grape Ne-Hi for a face. One gets run over by a truck and she leaps into
the back of a pickup and escapes. We fade to black as we see Pussyface standing in the middle of the street, swinging the chainsaw dildo. Okaaaaaaay.
As I'm sure you can tell, this plot made no fucking
sense, whatsoever. It bears passing resemblance to the cult movie, but "passing" really means "passing you by." There is a lot of growling and making weird noises, but
it has all the erotic energy of the psycho ward. Not okaaaaaaay.
The Cast: Well now, I am definitely up for a cast like this! Tabitha Stevens plays the lead role and does so pretty well. She's definitely a screamer, so keep one
hand free to turn the volume down. Alas, as is all too obvious during certain scenes, her inflated breasts come with a pair of surgery scars that detract from an
otherwise tall, slim & smooth body. Candy Apples is another lady who adds some yank value to this movie. She has a tight body, two really nifty tattoos (who needs a dog tag when you have your name tattooed on
your breasts?) and a good deal of energy in her performance. Her acting isn't too bad, but don't expect the Royal Shakespeare Company. Mila is apparently an import from across the Atlantic, and she also has a
great taught body. I like this one. She shows a lot of energy but it is misdirected, in my not- really-humble opinion. Sweetie Pie and Randy Storm show up at the last moment to add flesh to the final orgy. Who knows
how they act? Who cares? They're both great lookers. The guys in this film are Steve Hatcher, Jonathan Morgan, Dave Hardman, Ron Jeremy, Rod fontana and Kyle Stone. I have pretty much no clue which one is
which. Partially due to the heavy makeup in this film, and the fact that the credits suck. Sigh. C'mon, guys... at least put some effort into the credits for these
movies! How am I supposed to know who to look for if you keep this shit up?
The Sex: Our first scene is a tag-team effort with Candy Apples being nailed in the back of the van by the
hitchhiker (Jonathan Morgan, I think) and Frank (Ron Jeremy), the invalid brother. First, allow me to point out what I liked: Candy Apples has a very nice body and a
completely hairless pussy. She shows a lot of energy and seems to really get into her scenes. Okay, that's enough. What I didn't like: First, Ron Jeremy with his
shirt off is not a turn on for me. Next, I would love to find the person who did the makeup for this movie and have them sign an affidavit that the director made them
attach a purple slug to the actor's face. This "birthmark" that is attached to this guy's right jaw presumably serves the purpose of making the actor look ugly. Great.
Why in god's name would anyone want to watch ugly people screwing hot women? Anyhow, the sex here is definitely different. Candy gets a good DP going with her two partners. Everybody's into it, moving around,
and Candy sounds like she's losing brain functionality. She also gets both guys going into the same hole in a double pussy penetration. Definitely not something you see everyday. Alas, this scene suffers from weird
editing, some poor positioning and then graduates to bad editing. Note to the directors: the next time you try to shoot a scene that takes place in a moving vehicle,
try not to have a very obviously stationary tree visible through the front window.
Well, we've arrived at our haunted house location, and Candy is up to bat again. This time, she is being
assaulted by a dildo hooked up to a chainsaw. This has got to be the weirdest device I've ever seen in a porn movie! Who knows what depraved mind thought this thing up, but whoever it was should seek therapy.
Candy gets her shorts pulled off and then receives the active end of this motorized maleness. She looks like she's having fun. I wasn't.
The driver of the van comes to the house in an attempt to find his friends, and instead wakes the sleeping demon. The demon in this case is the quite attractive
Mila who was sleeping in an overturned refrigerator. Ah, the allure of the wild woman! She snarls, she bites, she growls, she fucks. Note, I said the allure of the "wild"
woman. This chick isn't wild, she's feral! The two guys from the van (one was conveniently being stored in a locker) take on this chick and proceed to roughly fuck her into pacification. They end up in a nice
double-penetration, and everyone really moves once she's plugged up nicely. The problem is everything leading up to that. This scene sucks. Everyone in this scene shows about as much eroticism as a boxing
match. They don't get a blowjob, they grab her head and fuck her face. They don't do it doggy style, he bends her over and fucks her from behind. I was really turned off by this scene. They just don't look like
they're having fun. They look like they're trying to hurt each other.
Ah, every movie should have a saving grace, and this scene is it. Tabitha Stevens and the gas station
attendant get it on in the kitchen/living room of his efficiency apartment. First, the acting is really over the top here. I wish the credits for this film were better, but
whoever plays the gas station attendant does a pretty funny performance. Think Roscoe P. Coltrain from the Dukes of Hazard, but make him a crack addict. That's about the level I'm talking about. Anyhow, he convinces
her to continue her playtime with the plastic pal. In fact, he's such a gentleman that he offers to lick her clean after her run through the scary woods. These two
look like they're having fun, which is a far cry from all of the other sex we've seen so far in this movie. Tabitha looks quite good in this scene, and her partner has that
look on his face that says "Hah! Me get sex!" Compared to my growing list of porn scenes to compare against, this one is mildly above average.
Alas, once again, the director has decided to go off into left field in an attempt to show you something different. Tabitha runs into a room of the house where a
warty old couple is passed out in some chairs. I think the couple is Sweetie Pie and Kyle Stone, but with the makeup they're wearing, it is hard to tell. While trying to shake the man awake, he starts to nibble on
Tabitha's breasts. This naturally triggers her "must fuck at any cost" reflex, completely ignoring the fact that she still has a chick with a chainsaw dildo and a guy
with a purple slug on his face chasing her. And you wonder why the bimbos keep dying in horror movies... Anyhow, the worst part about this scene is the stage makeup on our actors. Oh, not Tabitha. She's fine
except for the angle that her twat twiddling scene is shot from. I don't know how I missed it in the last scene, but she has a really nasty surgery scar on each
of her breasts. The camera is positioned just perfectly to show you exactly where and how large it is. The stage makeup problem is on the "old couple". They look
terrible. Warts, fake wrinkles, and the girl has a prosthetic chin (with more warts on it) that just looks terrible. Add to this unhealthy combination the terrible
editing job, the bad sound synchronization, unfortunate camera shots and you are just not going to get a stiffy from this scene at all. Unless bad makeup, shoddy camera work and the occasional close-up shot of a
chicken turns you on. Still... all is not lost. The actors look pretty good from the neck down (it's hard to believe in an old, warty woman when she has the body
of a twenty year starlet), and the sex is all right. Her performance is a little mechanical, but he seems to get into it. This scene could have been so much better, but it's not really the actors' fault.
After a brief interlude with Tabitha trying to get butt-fucked by grandpa's dildo, Tabitha runs outside and gets assaulted by five women. Candy Apples, Sweetie Pie, Mila, and Randy Storm are crouched on the rocks
wearing strap-ons, and everyone descends upon Tabitha for some loving. Well, they descend for some sex. Love, in my mind, does not involve nearly as much growling,
snarling and spitting as this scene. It's almost like watching a scene from Clan of the Cave Bear but that at least had a plot that made sense. Now, not every scene
is completely without merit. Mila gets the chainsaw dildo used on her in both holes at some point, and they use the tree nearby to great effect. Grandpa standing up by the tree munching away at Sweetie Pie as she
hangs upside down over a branch is an image that will stay with me for a long time. Candy Apples gets two plastic toys in her pussy at the same time, Mila gets a
dick and four fingers into her twat (that's got to feel different) and you just can't beat an effective use of a chainsaw dildo for memorable scenes in an adult film.
Unfortunately, this scene follows the same pattern as the others in this movie, in that these actors are grunting, screaming, spitting, growling and snarling their way through the sex. It just doesn't look like
they're having any fun. They look like they're about to eat each other alive. The editing is bad, they occasionally repeat footage, and the sound is roughly akin to listening to a pack of wild dogs get their
collective canine testicles caught in a gross of mousetraps. ("howl howl howl SNAP! yip howl whimper howl!")
Now, something must be said about the video quality of
this last scene. It is, hands down, the worst video quality I have ever seen on DVD. It sucks. It looks like something you would download off the WWW back in 1995. The image quality for what is supposed to be the
climax of the film is terrible. Unwatchable. Distracting. Annoying. It is, in a word, unnacceptable.
Dare I say it? It is worse than VHS!
The Image/Audio: The image on this disk is the epitome of the "slippery slope". It starts off very well done. Crisp, clean, natural-looking. And then it starts to
slide. Eventually, it looks like it stepped on its own foreskin and fell into a vat of anal lube. I have never seen so many artifacts and compression problems.
Pixelation is the major problem, with the image blocking and distorting so badly it is hard to tell one body part from another. It honestly looks like some of the 1st
generation streaming video that you can download from porn web sites with a 28.8 modem. In addition, somebody needs to wipe the jizz of the camera lense. Several shots into the sun produced reflections off of
some substance on the camera lens. They say nothing is truly worthless. This image is not truly worthless because you can use it as demo material for DVD gone wrong. Horribly wrong. Oh, the humanity!
The 2.0 audio doesn't even survive intact for as long as the image did! The first sex scene made me chuckle because during one particularly good thrust into Candy
Apple's rear, the audio went "thwap" into the right speaker and stayed there for a few minutes. Hell of a thrust, I'd say! The audio did return to both channels
eventually, but it still kept creeping over to the right side every so often. The background music always comes out of both channels, but expect to hear all of the dialogue and ambient sounds (van doors, gravel,
door hinges, etc.) come out of the right speaker only for various lengths of time.
The Extras: The extras are suprisingly more in terms of quantity, then I was expecting. There is a brief cast
breakdown, which tells you a bit about the ladies in the film (points for actually talking about the women in this film. Are you listening, Vivid?). There are two
collections of bonus scenes, one for blondes, one for "European beauties". They are the "virtual room" interfaces so you have to pick out the picture of the girl
you want to see. This is good and bad. At least the pictures are of the lady who is featured in the clip (Yo! Vivid, over here!), but the pictures are so small compared to the rest of the screen that you can't
recognize them before you click on the image. Would someone please tell me why you can't just have a section called "bonus scenes", have a reasonably sized
image of the lady involved, selectable via a normal menu layout? What is the deal with a picture of a tacky living room with pictures on the wall?
But I digress. The extras also include scene access,
previews of five other movies and language selection. Your language choices are English, French and Magyar. I don't know what the hell it is, either. There are also
Spanish subtitles. The annoying thing is that you can't select them from the disc, and you can't turn on the subtitles on the fly. The only way I stumbled onto this
is because I had the subtitles turned on from another DVD I was watching, and then swapped discs. Somebody needs to think really hard about what the hell they are doing at Heatwave.
The Good:
There are some activities that you probably won't find anywhere else: Sex in trees, double pussy penetrations (both real and plastic), and a chainsaw dildo. The woman are attractive, and uniformly blonde.
The Bad: The image quality is terrible, the sound is badly done, the plot makes no sense and most of the sex couldn't turn on a light switch.
Overall:
Don't bother. Even if you are a fan of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, you will cringe when you see what they've done to this DVD.
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