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Old Shit

Al Kikuras’
Mighty Obliterlist

aka “THINGS IN THE WORLD THAT MUST BE DONE AWAY WITH (INCLUDING  PEOPLE), IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.”

This list may offend some of you, but if it does... chances are  you deserve it. If you don't deserve it, well, tough shit. I don't  apologize.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, there are a lot of things that piss me off and my disdain for them hits me at various times throughout the day. Sometimes I have these epiphanies on the toilet, sometimes while sitting in bed wide awake at 5 in the morning. The bottom line... until the world stops chapping my ass this list is going to grow  and grow, so come back soon to see what the latest feces-laden item might be.  Hell, who knows... maybe one day you'll make the list.

1. Anyone that doesn't find farts amusing.
2. People that wear really big, baggy pants.
3. Anything trademarked.^tm
4. People who say things like "What about the children???"
5. People who say metal is dead.
6. On a similar note, anyone that has ever said "That metal crap is just a bunch of noise!" (or something comparable to that).
7. Drunk people that get beer muscle and think they can kick the world's ass.
8. People who like that show "Daria."
9. Delicatessens that make shitty sandwiches.
10. Anyone that ends every sentence with the word "Yo."
11. Low-fat foods.
12. 311.
13. Music shops that charge more than $13 for a CD.
14. Deadheads.
15. People who take their shirts off at concerts.
16. Greasy, slimy people who ride the crowd and kick you in the head at shows.
17. Clean, relatively slime-free people who ride the crowd and kick you in the  head at shows.
18. Anyone that thinks Manowar sucks.
19. Editing movies for TV.
20. People with personalized license plates.
21. Disney.
22. The Pope.
23. Really thin people that wear tank tops and think they're tough.
24. People that drive slow in the fast lane.
25. People that drive slow in the slow lane.
26. Militant Vegetarians (i.e. people who say stuff like "You're a CARNIVORE??" to which my usual response is "No, I'm an OMNIVORE, you commie wanker!!")
27. Crappy pornography.
28. Organized religion.
29. Talk shows that revolve around "miracle makeovers" and anything that has to do with relationships.
30. Places of "business" where bathrooms are "for customers only." If I have to  lay some cable, you should just get the hell out of my way.
31. Anyone that didn't support Pee-Wee in his time of trouble.
32. The bastard that took "The Tick" off the air. I am going to find out where you live and come take a dump on your front lawn, you prick.
33. Kenny G.
34. Sports on TV that fuck up The Simpsons.
35. While we're on the topic, people that care enough about sports to yell out in public or get visually upset when "their team" screws up.
36. Sales people that won't take no for an answer.
37. Anyone who smokes crack.
38. Restaurants that serve really small portions and/or make employees buy their own food.
39. People that don't like a lot of meat on their sandwiches (you’re fucking it up for the rest of us, assholes).
40. LOL.
41. Smokers who smoke while nonsmokers are eating around them.
42. People that think there is something wrong with masturbation.
43. Cliques.
44. Bands with a cute lead singer.
45. People that order their steaks and burgers well done.
46. Any guy that spends more than 10 minutes getting dressed to go out.
47. People with two last names.
48. Anyone that uses the word "bad" to actually mean "good."
49. Motorists that actually stop at yellow lights.
50. Frozen Yogurt (or "Frogurt")
51. Shitty buffets.
52. People that feel the need to stand up at concerts with seating.
53. Anyone that thinks Rage Against The Machine is a metal band.
54. The Wonderbra.
55. Movies like "Fried Green Tomatoes."
56. Anyone that is offended by words like "fuck," "shit," "cock," and "cunt."
57. "Phat" people (this has nothing to do with actual girth).
58. Fraternities.
59. Guys who ditch their friends for girls.
60. People with more than one pager.
61. Anyone that feels the need to carry a cellular phone for non-business-related reasons. Get change of a dollar, you jackass.
62. Meters and tolls.
63. People who walk around wearing weight belts.
64. Cranky old people.
65. The word "brilliant" when not used to describe an actual light source.
66. Metallica.
67. Dance clubs.
68. Diet soda.
69. Guys that wear spandex.
70. MTV.
71. People that own cars that they refuse to drive in the rain.
72. Anyone that spends more than $20 on a pair of shoes.
73. Assholes (not the actual orifice).
74. Anyone that wears Patchouli (pronounced pet-true-ley). That shit stinks.
75. Any celebrities under the age of 25.
76. People that smoke in public (pot, cigarettes, whatever).
77. Smoking. Period.
78. Anyone that thinks Titanic is the best movie ever.

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