Editorials

This month's topics:

  1. What real men are (a guide for all the pussies out there)
  2. 126 Ways to Describe Taking A Shit

What real men are by Piston Rod

Real men are barbarians, they are Vikings, they are gladiators! They are not these pussies wearing ironed shirts and faggot cologne. Real men stink. They have hair on their bodies, and they don't try to impress girls with their taste in clothing. The problem is that this fucking feminist movement that started in the 60's has been trying to change us men into what THEY want us to be. They withheld sex from us until we went out and got our hair done by a stylistÉwhat the fuck it that? Real men go to BARBERS not stylists. They withheld sex until we agreed to put the toilet seat down. Real men piss on the seat to make it extra wet. Men should be proud to watch a Steve McQueen or a Dirty Harry movie, and not have to worry that there isn't anything in it for woman to enjoy. Enough of this Fried Green Tomatoes and Titanic shit.

I'm not saying that men can't enjoy dressing up once in a while, or watching Driving Miss Daisy, I'm just saying they should celebrate the fact that they are men, and there are differences between men and woman. Men, it's all right to have skid marks in your underwear, it's all right to sit all day in front of the TV watching Football, it's all right to burp and fart and scratch yourself in public. Remember, these feminists may want men to change and become woman, but we can't let them. Men are men! We are the rip your shirt off and run naked in the snow, go off to fight and come back and fuck, not worry about the consequences, go for the gusto part of society. We wear jeans and leather, not Calvin Klein and Versachi. Fuck those French Faggots anyway. Real men don't eat quiche!!!

This is a call to all the real men out there, to put down that iron and apron and pick up that ax and shotgun. Put down that low fat sour cream and pick up that beer and hoagies. Put away that antacid and burp and fart until everyone else must leave the room. Take all the covers and make HER sleep in the wet spot. Real men do not get woman knocked up and then split town. Real men are great dads. Real men break their backs for their family and that's just the way it is. Fuck any guy who feels differently!

126 ways to describe taking a shit by Al Kikuras (and various contributors)

  1. Send the brown boat afloat
  2. Move some surplus goods
  3. Crap
  4. Go to war
  5. Make stinkies
  6. Liquidate some assets
  7. Negotiate a deal
  8. Ride the brown pony
  9. Pollute the ocean
  10. Pottie
  11. Launch a sea pickle
  12. Squeeze the cheese
  13. Take a dump
  14. Pinch a loaf
  15. Lay some cable
  16. Deliver a package
  17. Bomb Tokyo
  18. Have a BM
  19. Take a shit
  20. Go #2
  21. Squeeze a load
  22. Unload a passenger
  23. Drop the bomb
  24. Go poo
  25. Make
  26. Mix up a batch
  27. Lose a pound
  28. Pass a brick
  29. Return it to the cycle
  30. Chop a log
  31. Recycle
  32. Abandon ship
  33. Tickle a turd
  34. Take a cake out of the oven
  35. Put the check in the mail
  36. Let nature take its course
  37. Release the dam
  38. Make my mark on the world
  39. Make a splash
  40. Ride the dragon
  41. Fire up the BBQ
  42. Bring in the tide
  43. Keep the homefires burning
  44. Feed the fire
  45. Chuck wood
  46. Send out the troops
  47. Drop the kids off at the pool
  48. Polish the porcelain
  49. Shave a peach
  50. Turn back the clock
  51. Bring in the new year
  52. Float a biscuit
  53. Make Gravy
  54. Lose my religion
  55. Push the bus
  56. Play the pipes
  57. Place a bet
  58. Let the good times roll
  59. Paint the town brown
  60. 21 Gun Salute
  61. Deliver the Christmas bonus
  62. Fire the cannon
  63. Tell a tale
  64. Park the car
  65. Big bang theory
  66. Corrale the tadpoles
  67. Come on ice cream!
  68. Fertilize the garden
  69. Leave the pack behind
  70. Sink the Bizmark
  71. Play a song
  72. Rock the boat
  73. SOUP'S ON!!
  74. Toss a stone
  75. Pick some dasies
  76. Christen the ship
  77. "Throw your weight around"
  78. Send the brown boat on its maiden voyage
  79. Turn the crank
  80. Unleash the brown shark
  81. Go to town
  82. Bury the dead
  83. Take out the garbage
  84. Kick the donkey
  85. Plead the 5th
  86. Beat the clock
  87. Break the bank
  88. Run for the border
  89. Defrag the hard drive
  90. Talk to God
  91. Clean the pipes
  92. Go and tell it on the mountain
  93. Offer the porcelain god gifts of inner humbleness
  94. Blow dirt
  95. Ass vomit
  96. Send a friend to the coast
  97. Solid fart
  98. Download
  99. Run through the woods
  100. Take some books back to the library
  101. Barbecue some burgers
  102. Shovel the brown snow
  103. Clear the cache
  104. Can't Touch This
  105. Format the disk
  106. Plow the soil
  107. The night the moon shone brown
  108. Reap the harvest
  109. Put the icing on the cake
  110. Intestinal yoga
  111. Give a little love back to God
  112. Make a peanut butter sandwich
  113. Grow a tail
  114. Transfer some files
  115. Send a message in a bottle to Atlantis
  116. Drop everything I'm doing right now
  117. Push the limit
  118. See a man about a brown bear
  119. Take off my brown belt
  120. Take one for the team
  121. Do my part
  122. Go watch the news
  123. Solve an equation
  124. Pull a rabbit out of my hat
  125. Crack the whip
  126. Pool some stool

Contact Al Kikuras if you have one that is not on the list.


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