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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
I've noticed that the older I get the more I fart in the morning. I'm only 38, but I fart like I'm 72. Should I seek the counsel of a good gastrologist?
Help,
Gassy in Georgia
Dear Gassy,
The problem you're describing is actually pretty common. I also do my fair share of farting in the morning, which is really quite pleasant. My wife's Chihuahua sleeps in the bed with us, and when I feel one coming
on I hold it under the covers for a little dutch oven action. I hate that dog, and my wife, too. The only difference between them is that one is a soulless Mexican animal and the other shakes it's leg when you
scratch its belly. I leave it to you to decide which is which.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
After spending many months looking for it, I think I've finally located my girlfriend's G-spot. Unfortunately, I haven't a clue where to find spots A through F. Can you provide guidance?
Sincerely,
Looking in Los Angeles
Dear Looking,
I too have searched for the fabled G-spot, but can only surmise that it's just an inch and half beyond the reach of my erect penis. As for spots designated by other letters of the alphabet, good luck to you. I
hope you can find and identify them, though I suspect the A-spot is just on the asshole side of my 'taint. Man alive, that's sensitive!
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
At what point does a turn-on become a fetish? I like it when my wife and I introduce a new kinks to our sex lives, but she claims I have hang-ups. So, what's normal and what's abnormal?
Thanks,
Confused in Kansas
Dear Confused,
That is an excellent question. Another good question is, "Why are women always coming down on the stuff I like?" Whose fault is it, for instance, if I get off to women who wear rubber panties? Surely,
it's not my fault asses look better when they're restrained by the black, unforgiving cradle of cold, opaque rubber. And how can anyone possibly be put out by my preference to call all my sexual partners "Mrs.
Roosevelt?" The former first lady was a strong woman, and there's nothing at all kinky about desiring strength while in the throes of sexual passion. Know what I mean? Don't give me that look! Who are you to
judge me! Who are any of you to judge Dr. Picklefeather!!!
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
Three years ago my wife died in a tragic car accident, and now I'm raising our 11 year-old son by myself. After three years of being single, I wonder if the time is right to seek out a new relationship. My major
concern, however, is to not upset my son. How can I pursue a new relationship without making him feel like I'm trying to replace his mother?
Please help,
Single in Seattle
Dear Single,
That's a difficult question to answer. On the one hand, you need to fulfill your need for companionship and affection, and on the other, you're duty bound to raise your son in a nurturing environment. I don't have
any children of my own, but I have been married to a dead woman for well over three years. So when it comes to the need for a woman's touch, I know a thing or two about a thing or two. Prostitutes are fun, but they
can be expensive and will frequently charge extra when you want to do the stuff that feels especially good. So, I usually just masturbate to fashion magazines, or something like that. Particularly if they have
pictures of Ashley Judd. And if your son should catch you jack-knifed over the latest issue of In Style, just tell him what I tell Mrs. Picklefeather, "Close the fucking door, you pinch-faced jackal!"
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Got a problem? The doctor is in.
Check out the previous edition of Ask Dr. Picklefeather.
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