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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
Last night I awoke from a deep sleep to discover my wife trying to suffocate my penis with a pillow. Needless to say, I'm concerned. What do you recommend I do?
Sincerely,
Suffocating in Seattle
Dear Suffocating,
Your wife most likely has a common mental disorder in which she harms her husband's penis to gain sympathy from friends and family members. In extreme cases, you may discover her trying to choke your penis, or
mixing harmful chemicals into its food. If the problem advances to that point, I suggest wearing tight pants to bed. Until then, try sleeping on your stomach.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
My sister is coming to stay for a few weeks with my husband and me while she looks for a new job. I love my sister, but am uncomfortable with the way my husband acts around her. He is continuously coming on to her,
saying things like "I love the shape of your ass." Or, "Would you mind if I slept face first in the crack of your ass?" Or, "I just masturbated in the shower while thinking of your ass,
which is superior to my wife's ass." Is this just innocent flirting, or should I suspect something more?
Thank you,
Concerned in Cincinnati
Dear Concerned,
That's a tough one. Exactly how nice is your sister's back side, anyway? Can you describe it? Draw a picture of it? Would I want to wear it as a hat? I'm sure you get the point. Your husband can't be blamed for
his behavior, but your sister's rump can. Perhaps you should have a conversation with your sister's ass, and explain to it how you feel. Also, I can help more if you send photographs.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
It has been described to me that all men exist somewhere along a sexuality curve somewhere between completely heterosexual and completely homosexual. I exist on that part of the curve where I watch too much porn and
would probably blow Peter North as long as nobody ever found out. Which side, then, would you say that is?
Thanks for you help,
Confused in Colorado
Dear Confused,
Hmmm, I'm not sure where on the curve that actually is, but it's probably somewhere between Charlie Sheen and Joey Silvera.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
Every time I have an orgasm, the sound of faintly ringing church bells emanates from my vagina. Is this a good thing or bad thing?
Sincerely,
Ringing in Rhode Island
Dear Ringing,
That's a new one to me. Who knew women had orgasms!
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
I'm a young musician trying to get his first big break. Unlike most others, I started playing in local clubs because I'm really into the music, not because I'm trying to meet girls. I'd like to turn my solo act into
a real band, but I can't find other musicians who feel the same way as I do. Any suggestions?
Thanks for your help,
Rhythmic in Rhode Island
Dear Rhythmic,
I can certainly sympathize with your plight. I, too, was once a musician and found the women and sex to be a distraction. I even had a recording contract, but left that all behind once the whole industry turned
toward sex and away from good songwriting. If you're interested, you might still be able to find a copy of my only single entitled "When You Suck My Dick (You'll Know It's a Dick You've Been Suckin')"
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
My sister is married to a real jerk. He's rude to her and he insults her every chance he gets. I just can't take it anymore. As her big brother, I want to protect her. But she's a grown woman and I don't want to
interfere where I don't belong. What do you think?
Thanks,
Indecisive in Indianapolis
Dear Indecisive,
If you feel there's any abuse, you need to step in right away. If you don't have any evidence, try setting up a hidden camera in their bedroom and wait patiently. I once did the same thing for a sexy neighbor, and
even though she sued the shit out of me, I've still got about three VHS tapes full of hot amateur fucking and sucking. Send $5.00 and a SASE and I'll send you a catalogue of these and other tapes of women I've
helped.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
When I fart the air is sweeter and the birds sing a pretty tune. Is this normal?
Sincerely,
Farting in Fresno
Dear Farting,
No, it's not normal. But then again, neither are dogs speaking Spanish. But, damned if my golden retriever doesn't quote Pablo Neruda every time I whack off to Salma Hayek.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
My husband writes an advice column, but doesn't have anywhere to publish it. So, he posts it on an internet message board that concerns itself with porn, porn actresses, and DVDs. It's really pathetic. How can I get
him to shape up and act like a responsible adult?
Thank you,
Distressed in Dallas
Dear Distressed,
Perhaps you should stop fucking the gardener! Ever think about that? Or, how about going a full day without calling your mother long distance to tell her about how unsatisfied you are with your marriage? Dr.
Picklefeather was quite the ladies man in college, and you should remember that. You could do a lot worse, and believe me, Dr. Picklefeather could do a lot better! By the way, where the hell are my good navy blue
pants?
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Got a problem? The doctor is in.
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