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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
I currently live in Minnesota, but my husband just got a promotion that would require us to pack our bags and move to Miami. I know this is a great opportunity for him, but I love our home
here and don't want to move. Am I being selfish when I ask him to turn down the new job?
Sincerely,
Melancholy in Minnesota
Dear Melancholy,
Yes, you are being selfish. And stupid. Moving to Southern Florida was the second best thing I ever did. The best thing I ever did, of course, was going on that extended sex safari to Thailand.
You've just never experienced anything quite like a Thai prostitute. The women there do the most amazing things with their penises...something Miami whores just can't live up to. If you make your man stay there in
the frigid climate of the North, the least you can do is transform your vulva into something exciting and new.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
I am wondering if my dick is small. It is four and a half inches when erect, but I'm only fifteen. Also my left testicle seems bigger than my right.
Please help,
Lopsided in Louisiana
Dear Lopsided,
Four and a half inches isn't all that bad if you just plan on using it to swab the wax out of ears or pick the knots out of your shoelaces. When you get older, though, you'll want to be outfitted
with a little extra something there on your diamond cutter. What you've got is just a little under the penis equivalent of baseball's Mendoza line. The good news is that extra weight you've noticed in your left
testicle is probably some extra penis that nature has somehow misplaced. Keep rubbing what you've got and something is bound to pop out. If you're lucky, that something will be a young Barbara Eden dressed up in her
Jeanie costume...but don't go counting on it.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
One of those Landers sister just died. As an advice columnist, does her passing have much of an impact on you?
Sincerely,
Wondering in Wisconsin
Dear Wondering,
Certainly, her passing frees up a little market share for the likes of me, but I would never wish death on anybody. That is, I'd never wish death on anybody except for Jesse Helms, Bud Selig,
HBO's Larry Merchant, the on-air personalities of FOX News, George Will, Christopher Reeve (that's a mercy thing), that guy at the supermarket who wouldn't take my groceries out to the car, my wife, and the
effeminate hair stylist who cut my hair to look just like his. Oh, and I've also longed for the deaths of both of the Landers sisters. So, does the fact that one of them is dead have an impact on me? You betcha! I
do, however, want to send my prayers to her family.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
It's good to see that you're not another advice columnist statistic. I had heard a disturbing rumor that Miss Manners was comparison shopping hitmen, and had you in the sights of her desert fork! Why such a
cut-throat business?
Almost Afraid to Ask
Dear Afraid to Ask,
My history with Miss Manners goes back a very long way and is well documented. I feel silly even bringing it up again, but here it goes. Miss Manners first became upset with me in the late 1950's because of the
way I continuously cleared my throat before performing cunnilingus. She says that it's annoying, rude, and unsanitary.
Then, years later, she took issue with my bold variation on traditional greetings. Instead of shaking hands, I argued, it is much more polite to gently grab the ass of the person you're meeting. She thinks that's
too personal, but was willing to accept it if others were comfortable with it. She took offense, however, when I went a step further and replaced "Pleased to meet you" with "Yeah, you like the way I
do that, don't you?"
The straw that broke the camel's back was, ironically, the pipe wrench I used to break hers. Damn woman got uppity with the way I used my grapefruit spoon to scrape mucus from the roof of my mouth, so I had to
teach her a lesson. Shortly after that she said something about how she was going to have me killed, but with all those pain killers they gave her, who knows if she meant it.
For the record, I had my assistant send her a lovely and semi-sincere get-well-soon card.
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Dear Dr Picklefeather
Why is it that my sexual relationships always end badly?
Oh and will Jenna Jameson ever really like me *smirk*
Signed,
Gattman
Dear Gattman,
I'm not sure why your sexual relationships always end so badly. Mine always end with an orgasm, a weakened gesture toward the money I've placed at the corner of my motel room's dresser, and a
peaceful nap. And all you should expect from Jenna Jameson is a letter from her lawyer ordering you to stop masturbating in her driveway. If you don't even get that, let me know and I'll send you a photocopy of one
of mine.
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Dear Dr. Picklefeather,
Thank you for your all-too-revealing history with Miss Manners.
It was very helpful in understanding her motives.
On a slightly different note... Is it me, or do you not always operate on a totally altruistic level? No offense, but I often detect you working a "What's in it for me?" angle in your 'advice', and frankly,
I find this disturbing and a little frightening. Am I imagining things?
Paranoid in Portland
Dear Paranoid,
No, it's just you. I'm only here to help, so promptly send a check or money order for $55.00 and I'll send you my new book entitled, "Shut Your Yapper and Do as I Say!" For an extra
$30.00, I'll also send you an unwashed pair of my underwear and a sexy polaroid of me wearing them.
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Got a problem? The doctor is in.
Check out the previous edition of Ask Dr. Picklefeather.
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