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The Plot:
Nope. Nada. Nothing. Not only is there no plot, there is no dialogue. Do you know how badly this ticks me off? Geeze, people. At least say "hello" or something! Where I come from, it is considered polite to introduce yourself before licking their nipple.
The Cast:
As the title implies, Kaoru is the leading lady on this disk. She's actually quite cute. She wears the same outfit throughout the DVD, mainly a pair of orange latex shorts and a tank top. She looks very young with a tight body and pretty nice breasts. Whether or not they're real... I dunno. I don't really care, either. After watching her have sex, I'd rather screw a sheep. At least the sheep will try and squirm away. :-)
The one guy she has sex with has some really nice hair on him. He's hung pretty well, and he certainly seems to have her complete attention. I have no idea what his name is. There is another man who is the
body for the Tfui toy, and again who knows what his name is? It certainly doesn't say on the DVD.
Pippi Longcockings.
The Sex: Some time ago, I reviewed Vivid's Interactive Mind Teazzer. I think I tried to classify it as an amusing toy. This unfortunate disc is not even good
enough to be classified as "amusing". There are basically two parts of this disc that you can call sex, but that is like saying the dead fish that wash up on the shore are "swimming."
The first is an honest to god scene with Kaoru and some guy that I couldn't tell you his name if it was tattooed on his ass. I think it is taken from some previous film called
Porno Star #2. Real descriptive, I know. There is a list of performers from Porn Star #2 in the credits, but you never see these people. I suspect that they threw this
whole scene onto the disc to keep you from getting pissed off that you only get one complete scene with our leading lady (or any lady for that matter). Kaoru is
walking down the street, and then she's suddenly in this guy's apartment and they have sex. About the only thing that makes this scene even slightly different is that there
is a lot of foreplay. She keeps those plastic orange shorts on much longer than I expected, and he does a lot of fondling her through those shorts. I have to give her
some credit, she gives pretty good blowjobs. Reasonably good eye contact, lots of depth and none of that "watch the tongue flick on your dick." This is a blowjob, not a
photo op, and she does quite well. The actual scene isn't too bad at all. Pretty standard positions, but the camera pulls back for some full-body shots every once in a while
that look pretty good. She's not a very active lover, but she gets the job done. There are no real penetration shots except for a couple full pull-out-and-back-in moves.
Alas, the camera work sucks big time in a couple places. It's all done from a hand-held camera, and it jerks around, zooms in for a closeup, pans over to her face... it
really is distracting as hell every time it happens. Every time the camera moves, it looks like you're watching a battle scene from Gladiator. Add in the lousy "zoom in to
see what a body part looks like from two inches away" and this is a royal pain in the ass to watch. The part where her left breast filled 85% of the screen was just wrong.
The other "sex" is in the Tfui extra. You an actually find some other sex snippets by jumping directly to certain title tracks (jump to titles 5 through 10). You can't find these from the menu.
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The Image/Audio: The image on this disc is pretty bad for the one full scene. There are a couple spots
where the image pixelates for a split second. This is actually pretty surprising. I checked the bitrate meter on my DVD player and the bit rate was actually pretty high
compared to most porn. The scene takes place in an apartment, and the sun shining through the window occasionally causes lens flare in the worst way. The slide show and the Tfui are razor sharp.
The audio is unispiring. There is a cyclic drum beat in the background for just about everything, but it is turned down low enough to not be annoying. During the Tfui, the
voices of Kaoru are obviously dubbed in later and don't match anything that she is doing at the particular moment. They have to be added in later, 'cuz she certainly doesn't moan like that when they filmed it. And,
to add to your viewing discomfort, they've added a really stupid echo to her "moans of passion". Moans of boredom is more like it. Standard Dolby Digital 2.0 mix. Bleh.
The Extras: Our menu offers us three options, such as they are. The first, is you can watch the video clip of Kaoru having random sex with some guy in a scene that
makes no logical sense. Second, you can view a slide show of Kaoru posing for the camera. Yawn. The third is the Tfui, which I'll cover in a moment. And last, you can
see the "bloopers" from making this abomination of a DVD. The bloopers (really just some horsing around with the camera) are actually kind of funny.
The Tfui is Pixis' version of the Virtual Sex With Whomever. Basically, Kaoru is sitting on a mat, and you have several options. You can rub with your hand, you
can poke with your finger, you can titilate with a dildo, or you can push with a cock. If you want, you can have her turn around, at which point you have the same options,
but from a different angle of attack, so to speak. Every time you active an option, you are treated to a scene where "you" apply what you have selected. You can, if
you like, click on the hand icon, which presumably puts this thing into "hands free" mode so you can stroke off to all of the options available at the present level. Once you
get her to remove a piece of clothing, you progress to the next level. At each level, the various options are different. The little snippets of action that you get all have an alternative angle to watch the action.
Neat toy, huh? So, how does it stack up for fun and entertainment? Terribly. This thing sucks purple yak hair. For starters, there are no instructions. Secondly, the
scenes you are "rewarded" with only last about 20 seconds. Third, the moans of Kaoru are so obviously dubbed in later as to be offensive. The best example is for
the cumshot option. Kaoru gets a weak load on the neck, and then kind of looks around. He finishes up, she gives his cock a token lick, and she gazes in to the camera...
and then you hear her gasp like she's getting fucked. Pitiful. Absolutely pitiful. Fourth, whomever is playing the part of your body double couldn't turn on a light switch. I
have never seen foreplay taken to such a boring level. I am impressed by how impersonal and un-erotic it is. Normally, I like watching a finger gently probe between
the lips of a lady. Not anymore. I am cured forever. It was about as erotic as a magic trick. "Watch carefully... now you see the finger... now you don't! Ta da!" Fifth,
Kaoru shows about as much passion as an inflatible sheep. She looks bored. She looks asleep. She looks like someone gave her a gift certificate for a free lobotomy
and she cashed it in. I suppose that someone told her that they were going to film this as if the camera were her lover. I can hear the director now... "Don't break eye contact with the camera, remember!"
My other theory is that someone told her to maintain eye contact with the camera and think of how good everything feels. Two thoughts at once were too much to
handle and her brain went into emergency shutdown.
Oh, and don't click on that hand icon too much. Doing that at any point other than the start of the Tfui made my
DVD player have a mental breakdown. I guess it got fed up with this DVD as well.
The Good: The image of the completely useless Tfui is very good.
The Bad: Oh god, where to start? Bad Tfui thingy, bad image in the one sex scene, bad dubbed audio, bad DVD encoding, image problems. Hmm... what else? Oh yeah!
The actress really is just a moist place to stick a dick.
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If she wasn’t sucking that finger, I’d be insulted.
Overall: Run, do not walk, away from this disk. It sucks. I can't believe I wasted my time watching it. Whomever approved this DVD must not have watched it.
Whomever watched it and called it ready for release must be a 13 year old kid with raging hormones who cums at the two minute mark. I have never seen a DVD so
completely worthless. I'd rather watch a pan & scan DVD of Yanni in concert than to sit through and review this DVD again. The only way they could make this DVD worse
would be if they included it free with every new purchase of a DVD player and your choice was watch this or pay DIVX fees. I have seen more passion from a bowl of jello
than from Kaoru when she's riding on top of the anonymous dick. I have seen more sensual penetrations from watching the deadbolt lock on my front door. I have heard more realistic moans from my staircase when I
walk upon it. Forget it. Do not even think about buying this DVD. If you do, bury it in your back yard and seed the grave with salt so that no living thing will become infected by it.
Buy it if you are feeling masochistic.
Review courtesy of AdultDVDTalk.
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